Buying Furniture is Like Test Driving a Car in a Fish Bowl!

I have just crossed one of the last thresholds of young-adulthood. I bought a car, I bought a house, and now I have also bought furniture. Real furniture, I mean–the kind you don’t even have to put together! Although it is not quite as expensive or stressful as either house or car buying, buying furniture has its own set of unique challenges.

When you buy a car you get to take it for a test drive, out on the road on your own. If you want to, at this point, you are able to examine anything you need to in closer detail. When you buy a house it is difficult to “test” it, but at least the owners aren’t staring at you, or listening as you pick apart the flaws in their structure and comment on the ugly green linoleum. When you buy furniture you have none of these luxuries.

You walk into the furniture store and walk into a series of attractively furnished “rooms” (if it is an upscale furniture store), or the first of several rows of the same kind of furniture (if things aren’t quite so fancy). You wander around until you see something you like, and then you are stuck. Because then, if you are seeking some kind of furniture where comfort is important, you have to test it out. Although it is important to have an attractive couch that will match your decor, you don’t want visitors (or more importantly, yourself) to go “oof”   you sit down with a thud on a sofa that is built like a park bench. You also don’t want to sink in so far that reinforcements have to be called when you are ready to disembark from the couch.

This is all well in good, except that every furniture store I’ve been in has approximately 3.5 salespeople per customer. And they all stare at you. Not a one of them seems to know how to mind their own business. So if you are shopping for couches (as I was) you are required to walk around from sofa to sofa, stopping to sit on any that look promising. Unfortunately, since this is a test (and only a test) you immediately hop back up to make a beeline for the next sofa. This too is fine, except that it left me feeling like I was a wandering whack-a-mole. And those salespeople just kept staring the entire time.

As if this is not undignified enough, you have to see if you can come up with ways to secretly test the furniture to see if it will be up to its real roles once you buy it. I don’t know about you, but when I am at home watching t.v., I don’t sit primly on the cushion of the couch with both feet on the floor. It is more of a sprawl. So I find myself sitting on these couches in the store, and then trying to covertly turn my body and tuck my legs in such a way that I can tell if the couch will be comfortable to lay on, while still appearing to be “casually shopping” so I don’t have to get the if-you-are-interested-in-this-one speech from the hovering salesperson. (I also don’t think they would be amused if I took off my shoes and burrowed into napping position to really give the old sofa a run for its money). And what about sitting at the opposite end from my person and trying to figure out if, in a reclining down position, we will be able to snuggle and read on the couch without killing each other, or knocking someone to the floor? (This is not to even mention the precarious and delicate task of discreetly testing mattresses for any other uses than slumber that might be required).

It wasn’t easy, but I did it. (And you can, too!) In the process of couch buying I was not openly laughed at, no salespeople were injured fighting each other for my sale, and I managed to find something that would resist (ha!) pet hair. I also managed to test for and meet all three of my couch requirements: 1. Not too hard for me, 2. Not too soft for my person, 3. Big enough for both of us, and 4. Cushions that don’t appear to eat the remote. We even managed to find all of this in a “room set” for a bargain price. All we had to do was get a color neither of us had considered in the first place that is probably too light for us not to mess up. Ah, adulthood. Who says there are no coming of age rituals in the U.S.A.? With all of the big three (car, house, furniture) I am probably an exemplary member–and next week I’ll be ready to run for office–I get a washer and dryer!